Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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