Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
