Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
