grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Text me some of your sweat
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize