Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
