Can Purell be used as lube?
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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