so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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