3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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