haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
