Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
