Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
