I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
