my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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