that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
