Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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