I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
