we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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