Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
