I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
