She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
do herpes really smell.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
