I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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