i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Randomize
