i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
soo... how was my night?
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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