At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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