My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
