The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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