If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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