I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
