My room smells like vodka and shame
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
