Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
