my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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