He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
Randomize
