and she was petting her beer can
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
