The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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