Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Success! We fucked roommates!
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
