Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
