This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
