The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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