I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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