I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
