Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
