I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
