I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
