I will die if light touches me.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
That accounts for only three of the penises
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
