just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
