:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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