I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
