She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
