all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
