hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
